[ 8:52 AM ]
ok even though i havn't packed my camp bag and feel that i should go to bed now, i have this sudden urge to blog.
john's going into army and there goes my camp buddy ): hais i guess i'll have to find a new one now since he's gone! it's a sudden realisation which dawned upon that most of my better friends are boys. it's so saddening because i don't get to go into army with them and i miss out on so much ): argh i feel so ... to see the boys around me going into army.
this is the transition stage yet strangely enough, i feel really lost and bewildered. things are happening too quickly and spiralling out of control for me. i cannot grasp hold onto things which i always wanted to hold on to and my environment is morphing too rapidly for me to be comfortable with. i feel withdrawn and undeniably, scared.
camp's sapping my social life and messing the safe sanctuary which i know i can always fall back on whenever i lapse into such periods! this is real tough to go through mans! friends are pissed cause i miss their birthdays and my timing clashes with everybody elses. moodswings are secretly terrible and i can experience my highest and lowest in a matter of hours. i'm perpetually tired and burnt out not because of camp but because of i don't know what.
somehow i feel like a stranger and intruder everywhere i go. i never really fit in properly, yet i'm not really excluded. neither here nor there and it's really starting to get to me cause i feel really insecure.
maybe i'm just a control freak who needs to be put into place.
[ 5:14 AM ]
oola all! i'm back from baaa-taamm!
woots lotsa cheap shopping mans! seriously, if you know how to slash price!
yes i got my dolce gabbana for 9freaking bucks!
can you believe it?! it's selling for 100plus bucks here and i got it for 9?!
thank you so much for all the new year messages sent by all you lovelies! even though i got them 2 days late cause i don't have auto roam in batam, i still appreciate them alot. even though it was just a simple msg, i think if you're one of those who do not mass send such messages, by me receiving them is already an honour and reaffirms our friendship. that's something very nice to know.
if you're one of those who mass send these messages, it is always nice to know that i'm still in your contact list then (: i think personalized, messages from some of you were really sweet and made me wanna cry. flashbacks of events that happened in the past yr just popped up like comic strips and 2010 is just a continuation of our lifelong friendship.
it seems that as you grow older, greeting messages are only sent to people who truly mean something to you. i myself admit that i havn't sent a single one this year, except to reply sincerely to some of those who sent me. nonchalent? indifference? idk.
i'm in charge of dorms for st margaret camp ): i guess that's a really boring and zuo bo role but i havn't exactly been proactive and outstanding in my performance. so i guess i deserve it. ohwells, nonetheless, once given, i must still do my best to do my job well ):
i wonder what 2010 has in store for me. it's no longer easy to talk about things with my friends now. even my closest ones. increasingly difficult. yes i'll listen to whoever that needs a listening ear but my own inner turmoil are hardly ever put into words. i really don't know why and i think this is very unhealthy and antisocial.
somehow i always judge a person before giving second chances or even any chance at all. it's hard to find someone who's exactly at my frequency and if i can't, i don't bother trying at all. it's easy to lapse into my own microscopic world and sit back and view the rest of the world do their thing with a sort of detached feeling. its sorta scary if you ask me cause i try hard to get out of this rut only to fall back in seconds later.
i feel i havn't been a good enough person by my standards and i hope in 2010, i can strive to be the idealistic me because the realistic one is way too unlikable and hard to get along with. let's hope i can revive the positive, upbeat me i used to be and get rid of the current negative, cynical one. oh and also the easy tears that can just come with a snap of the finger!
behold 2009 and welcome 2010. i still wanna thank those that stood by me despite me being not very entertaining/interesting company, whiny, negative, cynical and judgmental friend that i was. thank you so much and let's keep the little light in our hearts burning bright, together.
-the need to be normal and accepted-