Poppies and Daisies.

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This is my sanctuary
Jotted with my occasional, random outbursts.

Berate my musings and I not,
Lest for abler pens,
For I do not care.

cheers!

foong sheng qi olivia.
08 february '91

snsj reddds '07
cjc odac BXI

[ 7:35 PM ]

trying out my skills at essay writing. the last i wrote was in the stone age. beware, boring post ahead.

men and women share one essential experience in life: each has resided in the womb of a female. no matter what our differences and how wide the gulf of gender, culture, race, class and time, all of us are women born- everyone has a mother. to have lived inside the body of another is a profound and unfathomable circumstance.

a mother, on the other hand remembers all too well what it feels like to have another human being share her body. we are blessed with the long and slowly unfolding knowledge and sensation of carrying life inside us. this remarkable process gives us not only an acute awareness of the connections between all living things, the responsibility inherent in creating life, its fragility and magic but also the pain and sorrow of existence, the fear and reality of loss.

yet the physical feat of conceiving and growing a baby and giving birth grants us only an added insight into what it means to be a mother, a few extra points for effort and experience. we can by no means claim an exclusive territory on mothering, for mothering, nurturance and caretaking are practiced in countless ways by men and women, child and adult, parent and non-parent alike. from a child nuzzling a younger sibling to a college student helping an underprivileged youth, or a bachelor volunteering at a hospice- we are each mother to us all.

and yet being a mother can render a woman invisible in society, can limit her career choices and advancement, and even diminish her own sense of herself. nowhere is this more apparent than in the realm of travel literature. (ok, random, no link jump)

search the book shelves of libraries and you will find volumes and volumes of travel literature. you will discover very few that depict women travelling with children or experiencing in themselves 'mothering' ways, nurturing others or engaging in other women's mothering experiences. this omission implies that having children and journeying are incompatible.

most women in travel literature 'leave behind' motherhood, children and family ties when they travel. (not that it doesn't apply to men travellers but i'm talking about women here) women travellors are generally portrayed as childless, solo adventurers- rootless, tough, fearless, competitive and assertive. do women really become men when they travel? is it necessary for a women to shed her uniquely feminine attributes in order to venture beyond her doorstep?

women of all ages are travelling in unprecedented numbers to places near and far, alone, in groups, with babies on their hips or aging mothers on their arms. women have learned that being a mother is one the greatest assets a traveller can have- it makes connecting with other women much easier and in some situations, can provide a patina of respect that can ward off unwanted advances.

despite all the talk about travel being unsafe for women, we have, in fact one significant advantage when we travel- we can go to almost any country in the world and look another woman in the eye and not be intimidated or intimidating. we catch a woman's eye across an aisle or a table, then perhaps a smile or a nod, and we're sharing stories or photos of our loved ones.

almost every woman travellor (i'm generalizing) will tell you that the second question asked of her when travelling is invariably, 'how many children do you have?' (i'm assuming again). The first of course is 'where are you from?'

ok i'm bored. bye.

[ 7:39 AM ]

He is like me.

He has taken after me.

He is growing up.

I wonder is that good.

[ 6:44 AM ]

ok im SERIOUSLY damn pissed now which i havn't been so for a long time. just let me rant.

tomorrow supposed to be summer league but i just knew today, like Saturday 2146hrs, that match will be postponed to wednesday instead. ok it's not exactly that last minute but anything that's not informed at least 3days before hand to me is considered LATE. i'm sorry but i'm extremely busy and my schedule usually runs back to back to back.

despite it being a sunday and fathers' day tomorrow, i was all geared up and totally prepared to go down and play seriously because i chose frisbee to be my cca in poly and obviously i'll commit to whatever i choose. i even quarrelled with my parents over fathers' day celebration just so to make it down for frisbee BUT ALAS!

it wasn't even that my team leader informed me that match was postponed but me, being gan chiong spider me had to go ask what time to assemble before even knowing that the match was postponed. if i decided to not to be irritating and not ask, i would have made my way all the way down to freaking sengkang to see an empty and perhaps muddy field.

and he says that it was announced the last training. however, what he did not know was that turnout for training during holidays, especially holidays for me is damn difficult cause i've got ALOT OF COMMITMENTS! yes i chose to commit to all of them and i will find time for all of them. stjohn, odac, frisbee. anyone of them is enough to take up all my time but i chose to devote time to all. it sorta kills me a lil' to know his indifference to my attendance for league.

guess what? i just met up with javis, the only one who will meet me all the way at yishun to practice my throws. i know goddamn well i suck but i'm trying my best. and here comes this can't really be bothered ... i know it was my fault that i didn't find out about the latest updates but as team leader, shouldn't he inform his team members of the latest updates as well? communication phail! epic phail!

despite them repeating over and over again to check the frisbee blog for the latest updates, there still isn't any updates about the postponed match tml at saturday, 2159hrs. i understand that whoever that updates the blog may be busy but how long does it take to update? come on, people's schedule depend on these updates and i totally cleared my sunday just for league when i have got 2camp briefings and lots to study.

it may be a little overboard for me to be so pissed but i am! i especially hate it when people give themselves excuses to be lousy. didn't do just say didn't do and apologise la. i would have then felt extremely guilty for making him feel bad and just get over it quickly. but... whatever.

one more time. i'll try.

communication must be impeccable. lesson learnt through someone else.

i sincerely thank you too for giving me a life lesson. not sarcastic, but seriously.

-when the world fails you, stand up and raze them down-

[ 8:34 AM ]

SHOUT OUT TO THOSE WHO READ MY BLOG>>>

I NEED/WANT CRABTREE AND EVELYN 'S FRAGRANCES AND LOTION!

ANYBODY WANTS TO SPONSOR OR CHIP IN?

I'M TOO BROKE TO GET IT FOR MYSELF.

AND MY SKIN CONDITION IS LIKE SAI NOW!

OH! I WANT THE ROSE SCENTED ONES OK :D

terih ma kasi!

[ 8:12 AM ]

i hate it when people stereotype me. i don't deny that i don't do that but i just hate it when they do it to me. i hate it when people, like my mum, harps on my mistakes. like really minor mistakes and she'll go on talking about it for days.

i'm so sick of explaining myself to the rest out there who stereotypes. somehow it hurts to know what people think and expect me to behave is so dissimilar to who i actually am and how i actually will act. and when i act according to who i am, they get surprised/shocked. it's not a nice feeling and i don't like it. it just shows that most out there don't really take the time and effort to get to know you well enough. i'm really appreciative to those who do.

sometimes i do spastic things, which in my opinion are perfectly normal things, to cheer people up. but nobody actually notices when i'm sad or not in a relatively sociable mood. they continue expecting me to always be cheerful and upbeat and i will just so to not disappoint people or make their day worse.

i can get tired too.

and btw, i think talking is a chore. especially when i have to interact with strangers, sharing superficial comments. i immensely dislike it but i know i have no choice but to do it. i really do try my best to be a good and nice person but it really frustrates me at times that i just wanna tear my hair out. i have to rein in my temper and talk really nicely to someone whom im absolutely ready to explode at and it makes me sick to know what a snake i am.

cause when i do that, what's going through my mind is that flaring up at this person will do me no benefit and i in turn may lose something advantageous. i hate it that i'm such an opportunist. but this is life.

it hurts it hurts it hurts! i don't wanna put on the facade any longer but if i tear it down. i think i'll be the most hated person around. so i can only hope.

i hope most like me for who i am now

i hope the rest like the facade me

i hope mr lim is proud of me

i hope i don't disappoint or frustrate anyone

i hope to be...

unbound.

[ 8:22 PM ]

my previous post was like woah, eons ago. i seriously doubt anyone reads this trash now but if you still happen to chance upon this place *clears cobwebs* give me a holler yea :D

i hope i havn't lost touch with my writing skills as school nowadays don't exactly expect me to churn essays and i havn't been visiting this abode, obviously. long post ahead.

i never had the problem of standing up for my friends. never found it difficult, never found it odd to be the only one with a differing opinion and never found it difficult to just walk away from people i dislike or do not take an instant liking to. yes i absolutely agree that i'm a judgmental freak but so? no matter how much i judge my friends, i still do accept them for who they are and sincerely love them with my whole heart. Do note that that only applies to people i consider my friends, and that's not a very wide circle of them. i don't buy the crap of people being totally open or free of judgement cause that just indicates that you either don't have a mind of your own, without any values and beliefs or in a more positive light, you're a saint. and saints, are boring people.

i believe that once people are open to constructive judgments, they improve a whole lot more than people who are closed-minded. that brings me to my point of being close, but not closed to the people and things around you who are always willing to judge you critically and help you in your journey of becoming a more perfect being. yes i still believe that nothing is perfect, but i do have my own yardstick of perfection. Normal bitchings, not malicious ones are the best grounds to learn about yourself. You learn ever so much more about how and what other think about you and 90% of the time, the bitchings have a certain basis of truth to it.

In an attempt to prevent all my paragraphs from starting with ‘I’, I started with in an attempt to :D haha lame. Anw, be sure to be unaffected by extra people who pretend to be able to psychoanalyse people god-damn well and start poking their affected noses into your business. Such people generally have an idle mind with nothing interesting to keep them occupied for them to try stick a foot in your lives. Beware, for they inflict the most damage especially with untruths and their screwed-up perceptions of who they think you are. It’s generally difficult to turn a blind eye/ear to such but nonetheless essential to do so.

I do know that I’m an odd and extreme person who isn’t the easiest or most interesting person to hang out with. That I do not deny but however, I’m glad of the fact that I make no attempts to hide my temperament from the rest of the world. It makes it so much easier for me to discern my friends from, the rest. Those that genuinely like me for whatever crappy shit I am, naturally will come to me and these are those whom I will always be in contact with. I call them friends. I’ll plow through shit for them and duh, obviously I’ll judge them yet still love them for who they are, as I’ve already said. Pardon my use of language as I usually do not concur with the use of profanities but due to a lack of a more suitable substitute, yea. Nobody fucks with me and gets away with it and such a great theory applies to people around me that I care for as well.

I don’t really see the need to get worked up or aggressive over most things in life. Generally, I think I’m a very chillax person who doesn’t really flare up but once whoever with the balls or the lack thereof it happens to tread on my toes, haha gg to you. Sounds so ya-ya but ya true. Piss me off real bad and you shall see. Havn’t erupted in ages and hope the day doesn’t come soon. I usually don’t regret what I say/do in a rage but still, I’ll feel real bad after that and more often than not, my relationship with that person can never be salvage. That is also why I keep my very best to keep eruptions at bay.

ok I shall stop here for now. This is getting a lil’ too angsty and it’s affecting my mood. I’ve got a whole lot more of projects to chiong and I can’t afford to get into an introspective mode. My parting to whoever that reads this post will be to love thyself for who you are unless you really have major character flaws that even you yourself cannot come to terms with, then change. I feel blessed for having people around me who still love me *blushes* despite being such a bitch, freak and lousy person that I am. Have faith in who you are and the people that really like you for that will come knocking. If not, there’s always me and me truly, if you don’t mind have a dormant volcano as your friend! Thank you very much and I love you.

cheers :D

-never procrastinate to be a great friend-

[ 3:43 AM ]

haha like xian, i seriously doubt anybody reads my blog anymore. it's getting stale in here!

i've got alot to rant but i cannot eloquently put my thoughts into words now.

so ciaos!

i love you a million peirre! really.

[ 8:02 AM ]

I LOVE YOU XIAN!

if you happen to read this (:

[ 7:30 AM ]

frankly i'm so bored nowadays that i absolutely go into zen mode!

i'm sick of going out.

i'm sick of reading too much.

i'm sick of topping up my ezlink card now that there's adult fare.

i'm sick of spending too much money.

i'm sick of letting my mind rot away.

i'm sick of being too lazy.

i'm sick of having too many things to do.

i'm sick of having nothing to do.

i'm sick of being sick.

ARGH! i don't know what i want!

stop it olivia! stop being a bloody bitch and get a grip on your life!

useless piece of excretory product. it's time you stop being woman and start making up your mind!

STOP BEING OLIVIA, OLIVIA!

yea right.

[ 9:12 AM ]

One of my best-friends' birthday- but of course I secretly took this photograph from facebook because it looks pretty and natural to me :)

Happy 19th Foong Sheng, I hope you see this! I hope you like guys and not girls and stop providing free touching service to all the old/young tikos out there. It's quite ironic to know that we don't really have any photogrpahs together despite knowing each other for more than a decade omgzxzx, next time we shall take one-I promise :) It's been nice growing up with you and so far, you are the only one who proves to be somethings just never change- I still love the same Olivia who always laughs with me and listens to my deep down problems. May you use your youth wisely to impact the lives of children/kids/malays/kids from dysfuntional familes/mentally-disabled children, I wish you allllllllllllllllllllllllll the best. With so much love, MY VERY MATURE FRIEND :-D

i was seriously really touched when i read this. it meant a lot more than presents and the cursory birthday greetings i get from acquaintances. its been 13yrs and going and i really hope that i can keep this friend for life.

sometimes, the older one gets, the harder it is let go. true friends are harder to come by and lasting friends become a rarity.

i'm scared as result day draws nearer. i just got news that suzanne got conditional offer into imperial college and here i am, worrying if i can even make it into a local university. i get secretly stressed out when i have geniuses as friends and i'm just a mediocre student with lower than average results. especially when they start planning for their futures when mine's so bleak and uncertain, i have to try very hard not to go into my emo mode when they start talking about high aspirations.

10yrs down the road, i wonder who will really come out on top. not the qualifications i'm sure, but that definitely helps to open many doors. if i fail to qualify, i wonder what does the almighty have in store for me. i really wanna do medicine or at least be in a line where i can truly give and help people. or perhaps, help to touch their lives little by little in whatever ways i can.

now, i'm really happy for suzanne but utterly depressed for myself as well. it's tiring to have to live up to expectations when you habour no false hopes or delusions about your impending doom. let's pray that the fall will not be too harsh on those around me and i can take this fall with grace. on another note, let's hope that i do not fall at all (: i don't think i can meet the accusing eyes of my parents if i ever do.

sometimes, the more you love and care for the people around you, the harder it is to live your life. but that's my life and i cannot complain. at least i have people who care for me and that's all i ask for. tyvm to all. the 'advice' i'm giving now, i hope it helps. really.

i feel like crying now for the sheer fun of it but it's inauspicious to do so on cny. so ciaos peepos and last word, mr lim still has the ability to make me cry with every little thing he says. one person who's little actions have impacted me in a very big way.

[ 8:52 AM ]

ok even though i havn't packed my camp bag and feel that i should go to bed now, i have this sudden urge to blog.

john's going into army and there goes my camp buddy ): hais i guess i'll have to find a new one now since he's gone! it's a sudden realisation which dawned upon that most of my better friends are boys. it's so saddening because i don't get to go into army with them and i miss out on so much ): argh i feel so ... to see the boys around me going into army.

this is the transition stage yet strangely enough, i feel really lost and bewildered. things are happening too quickly and spiralling out of control for me. i cannot grasp hold onto things which i always wanted to hold on to and my environment is morphing too rapidly for me to be comfortable with. i feel withdrawn and undeniably, scared.

camp's sapping my social life and messing the safe sanctuary which i know i can always fall back on whenever i lapse into such periods! this is real tough to go through mans! friends are pissed cause i miss their birthdays and my timing clashes with everybody elses. moodswings are secretly terrible and i can experience my highest and lowest in a matter of hours. i'm perpetually tired and burnt out not because of camp but because of i don't know what.

somehow i feel like a stranger and intruder everywhere i go. i never really fit in properly, yet i'm not really excluded. neither here nor there and it's really starting to get to me cause i feel really insecure.

maybe i'm just a control freak who needs to be put into place.

[ 5:14 AM ]

oola all! i'm back from baaa-taamm!

woots lotsa cheap shopping mans! seriously, if you know how to slash price!

yes i got my dolce gabbana for 9freaking bucks!

can you believe it?! it's selling for 100plus bucks here and i got it for 9?!

thank you so much for all the new year messages sent by all you lovelies! even though i got them 2 days late cause i don't have auto roam in batam, i still appreciate them alot. even though it was just a simple msg, i think if you're one of those who do not mass send such messages, by me receiving them is already an honour and reaffirms our friendship. that's something very nice to know.

if you're one of those who mass send these messages, it is always nice to know that i'm still in your contact list then (: i think personalized, messages from some of you were really sweet and made me wanna cry. flashbacks of events that happened in the past yr just popped up like comic strips and 2010 is just a continuation of our lifelong friendship.

it seems that as you grow older, greeting messages are only sent to people who truly mean something to you. i myself admit that i havn't sent a single one this year, except to reply sincerely to some of those who sent me. nonchalent? indifference? idk.

i'm in charge of dorms for st margaret camp ): i guess that's a really boring and zuo bo role but i havn't exactly been proactive and outstanding in my performance. so i guess i deserve it. ohwells, nonetheless, once given, i must still do my best to do my job well ):

i wonder what 2010 has in store for me. it's no longer easy to talk about things with my friends now. even my closest ones. increasingly difficult. yes i'll listen to whoever that needs a listening ear but my own inner turmoil are hardly ever put into words. i really don't know why and i think this is very unhealthy and antisocial.

somehow i always judge a person before giving second chances or even any chance at all. it's hard to find someone who's exactly at my frequency and if i can't, i don't bother trying at all. it's easy to lapse into my own microscopic world and sit back and view the rest of the world do their thing with a sort of detached feeling. its sorta scary if you ask me cause i try hard to get out of this rut only to fall back in seconds later.

i feel i havn't been a good enough person by my standards and i hope in 2010, i can strive to be the idealistic me because the realistic one is way too unlikable and hard to get along with. let's hope i can revive the positive, upbeat me i used to be and get rid of the current negative, cynical one. oh and also the easy tears that can just come with a snap of the finger!

behold 2009 and welcome 2010. i still wanna thank those that stood by me despite me being not very entertaining/interesting company, whiny, negative, cynical and judgmental friend that i was. thank you so much and let's keep the little light in our hearts burning bright, together.

-the need to be normal and accepted-

[ 6:03 AM ]

ok i'm here to scold people again.

first was AO, now Inno.

it's damn annoying when they tell me things last min.

just show how horrible the organisation is

and it pisses everybody off.

especially my parents.

now, because i cannot attend the briefing, i cannot do the camp

and i wanna attend the briefing,

which then disrupts my family holiday plans

and pisses my parents off, majorly